I will learn to love the skies I'm under.

Alright, I have some important news.

I have been holding off until I knew for sure. Then I held off a little longer because sharing this news isn't exactly something I am super excited about doing. 

As you probably know I have spent this last year waiting for nomination and visa paperwork to go through so that I could move to Australia for two years and work as a Youth Work Coordinator at Camp Clayton.

The visa required that Camp Clayton submit a nomination application. It is a sponsored visa. So Camp Clayton becomes a sponsor, they nominate me for the position, and then I can be approved for the visa. We have been waiting on the nomination application for quite a while. Everyone involved completed everything to the best of their ability and were quite confident that the application would be approved and I would be able to finally get a visa. 

This might be a great place to share a quote from the ever relevant Death Cab For Cutie, "I cursed myself for being surprised, that this didn't play like it did in my mind."

I think you can see where this is going. Unfortunately, despite everyone's hard work and best intentions, Camp Clayton's nomination application was rejected. Everyone involved over there was shocked and disappointed. It was then up to the Camp Clayton board to decide whether or not they wanted to re-apply. The application was rejected mainly over some technicalities regarding wages. It had nothing to do with me or my qualifications. 

After spending some time in thought and prayer, the Camp Clayton board has decided that they will not pursue another application. It was decided that they did everything they could with the first application and that they would take this rejection as God shutting the door on this opportunity. So now my visa application has been withdrawn and it is all over.

So here I am.

I am not moving to Australia. After a year and half of planning and waiting and expecting to leave, I am not leaving. It's a weird thing to have all your plans just explode. It has been an interesting time processing all of this and trying to now decide what is next. I am not sure what God is doing. I don't understand why I had to spend this year in an awful limbo state. If I'm being honest, it wasn't a very good year for me. I am hoping that with time it will become more clear.

Now, I know there are a lot of you out there who have been following this whole journey and have often asked me about it and tried to stay on top of all the updates. I know and appreciate that you care and want to be kept updated on my life. I have had a lot of conversations with a lot of people about it over this year. The thing is though, this is not the exciting news we were all hoping for, and therefore does not lead to a particularly fun conversation. So I am hoping that you can all just have this conversation with me now through the computer screen:

me: "Camp Clayton's nomination application was rejected and the board has decided not to re-apply, so that means my visa application has been withdrawn and I will not be moving to Australia"

you: "That really sucks"

me: "Yeah, it does"

you: (looking at me with sad eyes) "I'm so sorry"

me: "Thanks"

you: "So what are you going to do instead"

me: "I have absolutely no idea. I am still processing this and trying to work out what it means for me and what I'm going to do next"

Hopefully now you feel like you have had that conversation with me and you don't need to have it with me in person. I understand that you care and aren't sure what to say and want me to know that you care. If you really need to say "I'm sorry" to me the next time you see me in person, thats okay, I won't get mad or anything, its just that I would really love to not have this exact same conversation over and over again. 

If you want to make me feel better, here are some tips. For my Australian friends, be super bummed that I am not moving there. If you try and make it sound like it's not a big deal or it's just as well that I am not coming, I will feel like I am getting the subtle message that maybe you didn't really care if I came. And in the same vein, my Canadian friends, be super stoked that I am not moving away. If you act all sad because you think that I am sad and continually say things like, "I'm so sorry you aren't going," it makes me feel like you wanted me to move away. Seriously, if you are disappointed that I am not coming, or excited that I am staying, tell me that. I'm not asking you to lie to me or to pretend you feel a way that you don't. But if those are your feelings, tell me. It will make me feel so much better than you trying to match my emotions or tell me what you think I might want to hear or just telling me over and over that you are sorry. Also, a thing I don't need to hear over and over is, "well, it obviously wasn't God's plan for you to go." Yes, obviously. I know this. You telling me this does not make me feel better.

If you want to go even further to make me feel better, you can follow the lead of this friend.

This amazing card was accompanied by 4 mars bars, a bag of Brookside chocolate, and a 10 pack of chicken nuggets. He is definitely winning the 'make me feel better' competition at the moment. I used to joke that when I finally got the news I would throw a party either way. Either to celebrate that I was going, or to celebrate that the waiting was over. I'm not sure that I am going to throw that party, but if you want to send me a present to make me feel better, feel free! The only thing I don't think I need is more chocolate.

I kind of fluctuate between feeling okay and feeling like I am just done with talking about it. One of the reasons I am hesitant and wanting to put off telling everyone is that right now I sort of have the power of telling people when I want to talk about it and just not telling them when I don't. Once I post this, I have lost that power. There will be tons of people out there that know and could come up to me at any time and want to talk about it. I no longer get to decide when to bring it up. So that is a bit of a downside for me and I'm hoping that you will be understanding and not bombard me when you see me in person. Emails and messages are fine because I can read and reply to them as I please.


That's all.
Thanks for your time.