"Perhaps home is not a place but simply an irrevocable condition." (Giovanni's Room, James Baldwin)
The idea of home has captured my interest and permeated my thoughts over the last few years. I have been searching for my home and I haven't been able to find it. I have lots of places that are filled with people I love. The place I grew up in feels kind of like home. But more like my old home, not like my now home.
I decided that home would be a person. That once I found my person I would have my home. I don't think I consciously decided to do this, it just happened. And it built and built over the years until I had come to the place where I was convinced I couldn't find a home without finding that person. I know that's not how it works. But even as I write this I am kind of hoping that the universe will take this as my "oh man, she's not looking for it anymore" moment and send me my person. You know, like what happens in made-up stories and romantic comedies.
So how do you find home?
The poet Cam Smith's (aka Hotel Books) 2014 album is titled, I'm almost happy here, but I never feel at home. I feel like I have felt this way in many places.
How do you convince yourself that home isn't a person. That home is more than that.
"You discover that home is not a person or place, but a feeling you can't get back." (First Defeat, Noah Gundersen)*
Maybe it's a person and a place and a feeling. Or maybe it can be any of those on their own or in combination.
Maybe home isn't something you stumble upon but something you work hard to make.
As I said, this has been something I have been thinking about for a long time.
I have lots of questions and very few answers.
This is something I wrote in my journal last year:
" There's that thing about how when you say everyone is special, it's kind of like saying no one is. It's like home. Saying home is a bunch of different places is really like saying home is no where."This was sort of influenced by the infamous "And when everyone's super, no one will be." (Thanks The Incredibles).
But maybe that's not right.
Maybe home is not just one place.
But I don't know if I believe that either.
Maybe home isn't even a thing.
I've tried to enjoy a transient life. A year here, two years there, six months there. I have enjoyed it immensely at times. There is something blissful about being able to flit from place to place without putting down roots. But it doesn't feel sustainable.
I dont think that I'm ready to settle down and stay in one place yet. Sometimes I think I'm not ready and other times I think it is because I haven't found the right place yet. But I'm tired of being alone. Which brings me back to home as a person. Someone to bring home to my transience. Someone to make me feel like I have a home when I don't have a place that I call home.
That is still what I want.
I still think home is a person.
I think if I had a person it would be easier to pick a place. I want it to work in that order.
How horribly middle-school cliche.
So what do you do when you are convinced that home is a person and you are alone?
I don't have an answer.
One of my favourite Noah Gundersen songs is The Ocean. It is an old one.
In it there is a simple line: "I will someday come to my home."
That is my hope.
*Noah G really gets me on the home stuff. He sings about it a lot.
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